my best friend,my lover, my baby

this unbearable feeling in me inside is just waiting to exploid and spill all out of me. there's not one word anymore to discribe this. love is saposed to be the strongest word. it doesnt seem enough. I adore him, appreciat him, look up to him, i just, WANT him! Being without him because his hockey is so hard. I didn't see him for a whole week and we just got over a stupid argument. and when he argues with me he does it in a way that i just want him to shut up and kiss me. so when i was with him yesterday, right when i walked through the door and he looked at me and ran up and gave me a huge hug, and then kissed me softly on the cheek, i knew why i miss him and go crazy without him. Then when we kiss, i could just feel it between us the urges and how much we want eachother. after about an hour of watching a movie he just took me upstairs and it went from there. i can't say everything that happend. because well, thats personal. but his soft touch and the words he would say to me to turn me on, and how he would just lay on me every so often and lift my chine and kiss me, or just give me the softest kisses ever that would just sooth me. how he would give me all down my body and feel me all over. how when it got to heat the sweat all over and just looking so deep into his eyes. just knowing what he was thinking. i cant get enough of it. then after we just are un attached. again... this crazy un explainable feeling all over again. how we would just get out of bed and id jump on him and he'd carry me around and we'd slowly rock to the music and give eachother soft kisses. then just sitting on the couch and having deep talks about friends and wats going on. i just ugh, hes my best friend. after we would just fool around and act like idiots. just enjoy eachother in our presents. when he would take his shirt off and put on a macho muscle shirt definatly made me laugh so hard. or when he would put on my tight sweater and do a little sexual dance or idiotic dance made me laugh even harder. especially how i got it on tape. or when we would just lay there after talking and id rub my hands up and down his smooth skin or give him a massage. its like, when we are finaly together we have everything in that one day. the sexual stuff, the idiotic stuff, the deep stuff, the stuff where we are just so comfortable with eachother. then when i leave its so hard. im not gong to be with him for another two week because of his hockey. hes leaving next weekend for a trip with his hockey team. it hurts to let him go agian. it feels like i just lost him. but i know he loves me deeply, and that im the only one for him. so next year will be better cuz ill be with him everyday thanks to going to the same school.

what am i feeling? it feels like its more then love, but wats more then love itself?

my bestfriend, my lover, my baby.

what im hating, is that tomorrow is school. Again. And the fact that i'm not going to see colton a lot. but i guess i should get over that already. I'm going to have to deal with it so i mine as well shut up about it already. and also that i have nine L.A assignments sitting right infront of me and im just wrting in this to have an excuse to stop working for a bit. ugh. sunday... basicly full of laundry, cleaning, and homework. You see heres me, i worry if i don't get honeral with distinction. if you don't know what that is, that's 90% or over with your overal grade. Me... my overal grade is usualy 94-95% overal. But lately... ive been slacking quite a bit. I have to stop, JESSICA STOP! I need to get these good grades. My career's egging for these marks. So now, no more blog writing until done homework. there. I made it officile. I hope you guys have things easy going. but yet life is just always full of chalanges. I actually personaly like chalanges. so here i am life, chalange me. For i am not afraid to take chances and be who i am, and be what i am cut out to be. A hard working, dedacating, fundamental girl.

i guess ill leave now, works calls for desperate attention.

jessicaa♥

also: i will not settle for just "ok/fine/good"... i need to be number 1. i can't help myself. I know someday ill have to learn to handle that. but it's too harddd.

i don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you.

you know what's weird? the undying fact that life is so random. I mean, one minute you can be so pissed off you want to kill yourself, but it can take just another second to make you change your mind and be the happyest person alive. Am i right? i mean, really think about it, in my life i've lost so many friends, and so many of them because they've made wrong choices. I've had the worst of luck with boys, been in full year relationships then cheated on brutaly, or lost super close family members to the worst thing ever.. cancer. I mean that seems like the number one thing that is so bad right now. But then again, wow... ive became so close with real friends, suceeded to my goals, finaly are finding the true me, and found true love. Love... L - O - V- E . what a big word. With SO many meanings and words to be explained by. it means so much, yet people throw it around like its nothing. Why?... why treat it like its just another word to use when ever you want, yet barley even feel the feeling. it definatly took me a long time, and a lot of thinking to try and figure out the true meaning. now i think of it as so many things i cant even begin to write all of them down. I mean, okay... what i feel for this, is finding your other true part of your soul, but yet its on a different human being. The fact that you can hate so many things about them, but really not hate them at all. The things you can get annoyed by say them ALWAYS talking during the movie, or farting all the time , chewing really loud, them picking you up and throwing you in the snow bank, singing in your ear when ur trying to concintrate, and then when there gone... those are the things you miss the most. It's the fact that they can be your best friend, you lover, and your baby all in one. It's like a sholder to cry on, but sometimes be the cause of the crying. It's like they want to make you just scream, but scream to them because you can't be without them, like you saying you don't want to be with them but then run back to them because you cant last a minute, a second, a mila second without them. without knowing they are YOURS. They are your everything and so much more. You just can't stop thinkign about them, and even if something else is on your mind, theres still this picture of them in the back of your mind that you can STILL see. it drives me CRAZY sometimes... i mean, the way you can be your total self. Me for example... im the most messed up person. I feel bad for my love actually. heres me, usualy, im always in my sweats with no make up when hes around, im super loud and obnoxious, i complain about mostly everything gross he does, i call him at 2:30 in the morning and wake him up and wont let him sleep just because i cant, i can beat him up and if he punchs me once i run away and start to complain, i can like pick my nose infront of him and be my total self. And yet... he still comes back to me. I'm basicly the mess he chose. I guess really... is what im saying, is that.... he's my world. Those long nights of staying in and watching tv all day in our pj's. or going out to partys or with friends all dressed up and me looking at him and saying wow im soo glad hes mine, ( cuz really, hes so fricken fine ) or those times where we can just be sitting there, then get that urge of emotions shock right through us and feel it together and just get so into it, feeling his body against mine, pressing against me... the feeling of him on me and feeling him go up and down my body, kissing me all over or in that grinding motion that i just cannot get enough of drives me wild. Or those nights... where one of us can loose a family member or are sick... and we just stay there by there side, listen to them speak, watch them sleep, comfort them... even cry or shake because you feel so bad and sorry for them. really... he's my best friend. i tell him everything. if i didnt have him. i guess i would still be lost trying to figure out the reason of true love. but sometimes when i just hate the things they do... i cant help but run back. So really for all you people out there, if you cannot stand the things your lover does, think about when there gone and the things you'll miss the most.

i still have tons on my mind but i dont want to bore you too much,

so remember im always here..

jessicaa♥

end of this break.

so maybe if many of you know, here where I live... it's winter vacation. really, its very exciting since schools out and everyones urging to go partying and what not. Where i live, snowboarding and snowmobiling are ultimite big time fans here. of corse the hockey. so, what ive been doing has been around the snowmobiling, watching the guys hockey games, going to all night partys, SHOPPING, and just hanging with the friends. Can't forget with the boyfriend also. i think of him as.. my lover, my baby, and my best friend. Okay rambleing on ... i cant do that. Ill jump to the point. WHAT MY POINT IS. here i am first day where im not doing something, sick with the flu, and i have a big bump on my neck that hurts like hell. I dont really know what is it. thats why i WAS saposed to go to the doctors, but personaly, i dont like the doctors. so if it's something sirious, i'll go when I am near the death threat. also, the fact that saturday is mine and coltons six months and yeah of corse he has hockey, especially hockey every day for the end of the break. We used to break to fix things that went wrong before. Short story of us. We started seeing eachother in may... we were officale in july, we spent the whole summer together, unseperable, in love, became my best friend who i tell everything and adore, then... of corse, school comes and we go to different schools, where... we barley see eachother, i know ur thinking oh theres still week nights and week ends, WRONG. you see, im in club volleyball, that means... practices like 5 days a week 3-4 hours long and tournaments on the weekends, and i also travel. Him, hockey... practices and games almost every day of the week. is just doesnt work. We ovbiously still do see eachother on weekends, maybe once a week. so we were a little rocky but still in love, so we used the winter break to get back wat we had, and we did, more then ever before. too strong of love, now when we go back to our regular lives... i dont even know what to do. i'm too attached to him to let this seperation happen again, maybe when his hockey dies down. and hes also in club volleyball, so we are going to calgary soon together... so maybe that will help. I just love him, and i need some help. seems the only thing i CAN do is either stay with him and suffer with barley ever even getting to see his gorgeous face... orr, leaving him until we are old enough to be able to live and see eachother everyday... or atleast more then once a week.

anyone have any suggestions??

pleeasee...

jessicaa♥

the usual.

so this is my first blog post on this website. for most of you know im a girl. but there's still definatly much MUCH more to me then that. i'm not really like the other girls you may find? I can have my sporty days ( well mostly every day ) but you know what i mean, then have my girly days, vintage days. The usual. I will dress fashionable, but act like a total complete idiot and myself. You see what im getting at? i don't know. the real reason why i came looking for a blog website is so i can get everything out. you ever just have those days where you just NEED to get away and are crying for help? ANYONE need any help or advice or agree on any of my futur blogs make sure to comment okay? Because I love and adore meeting new people. And for my futur blogs to come, ill probably be whining and complaining or be super excited on new futur events. Also, keep me posted on your lives.

much love,

jessicaa ♥